My LIfe

In the end, it was all just a dream, something that just wasn't meant to be. I could fall to my knees and beg you to believe me. What would be the point in that though. This is the story of my life, my life where I just dreamed of becoming something that I never put any effort into, I thought it would just be handed down to me. My name is Kada Simms, I am currently 21 years of age as I am writing this. Starting from the beginning you could tell I was going to grow up fucked up in the head. Birthday: March 25th of 1992. Twin On march 25th of 1992 my mother had went into labor with me and my twin sister, Kendra. She of course had problems, therefore me and my sister had become C-Section babies. Kendra was doing fine, fantastic actually. She was a healthy baby, she had all the baby fat she needed to assume she was going to make it. Me on the other hand, I was screaming and crying. Every time the nurse's tried to feed me I would just barf it up. Well the doctors came to a conclusion my appendix was twisted. They opened me up and fixed me... May 22nd of 1992, Kendra had died of SIDS. Five years later, my mom found another man, a man named Kevin. She had met him online because my father had treated her bad. My step sister, Alexis, who was 8 at the time, and myself were abandoned by her. She gave no reason, she just left. Alexis, my father, and I were on the porch all crying... My step sister had asked my dad when mom was coming back, and I couldn't understand a word that he had said, all I heard was him crying and breathing hard as if he was trying to catch his breath. About three months after my mother had left, my father made me and my step sister pack our bags, and we threw them in a U-Haul and drove 14 hours south to Chattanooga, Tennessee. Where we move in with my Nana, Peggy Simms. Which I know now was a lot for her to take in. She was mean, when me or my step sister was being loud and obnoxious she would just punch us wherever she could reach. Once she had given me a black eye. Looking back, my Nana was my hero, she took me and my father in when we needed her the most, but at that time all I could think of was that I hated her for her being so mean to me and my sister and for her not allowing me to see my mother. My father had met a woman named Eliza, about a year after we had moved to Tennessee, they dated for 4 months and than got married. Eliza was so mean. She would allow my father to do to me what he had done to me... Starting at the age of Six my father had become severely abusive. He would punch me in the face, he would make me get his old fishing pole, while the hook was still on it, and he would beat me until blood was running down my back... he would laugh as I screamed out in agony... but the more I screamed the more he would hit me, as if me screaming was getting his rocks off. Eliza would just stand there, motionless, and expressionless, or even sometimes she would be in the other room with Alexis, playing with her, I guess so Alexis couldn't see what my father was doing to me. At one point when me and my step sister did something bad he mad us sleep outside in a Tick infested dog house. We would be crying as we pulled the Ticks off of each other... I guess in my father's mind, that nothing was wrong with that. About two years later, my father decided that he didn't was Alexis anymore, so my mother had come to Tennessee to pick her up... I was ecstatic, because the only thought going on in my 8 year old mind was “She's come back! She's come to save me!”. Of course, I jinxed it, because I did not go with my mother, she left me with a hug, nothing else.... That was the moment I learned to hate people so much... I learned not to trust people, or depend on people... That was also the last time I saw my mother and my sister for a long while. A year after that, I was 9 years of age, that was when the torture had begun, but before I get to that I will introduce Rose, Rose was one of my father's girlfriends at the time. I had called her Mom, because I trusted her so much. She would play with me, she would talk to me like I was a normal human being... but the only problem was, is that she had no idea what the man she was sleeping with was doing to me. About 6 months after I had turned 9 years old, my dad began to get a new fetish... the fetish was raping me. Several times a day, multiple times a week... He came up with an idea after just raping me wasn't fun enough, he had invited some of his friends over so that way they could take turns having at me. I learned than that his idea of love was to give me pain... So in my mind, pain was love... I grew to that feeling... it made me feel alive. I felt weak when I wasn't hurting or when I didn't see my blood. The sight of my own blood would make me happy, because in my mind someone loved me, or if I didn't want to be loved at that moment, it just made me feel alive... I just wanted a different emotion and feeling other than what I was getting... Growing up there was never nobody that I could talk to because nobody could ever believe my father could ever do that to me. Eventually, somebody did believe me.... her name was Mila, one of my Father's girlfriend's mother, who he left me with most of the time. This girlfriend's name was Katie, I really disliked her because she would go out of her way to try and find a way to get rid of me, or to have me hit. Well they dated for 2 years and she ended up pregnant with a little boy they called Louis... Louis had down syndrome... he was the cutest baby ever, I loved him so much. I had given him his own little nickname, Loui Lou. I enjoyed taking care of him.. but I also hated him.. he had gotten all the love and affection from my father that I had never gotten. I also felt sorry for him, because once Louis gotten of age, my dad would soon do to him, the same he had done to me. Anyway, Mila, had called my grandparents up in Van Wert, Ohio, the place I came from before I moved to Tennessee... I was 15 years of age. December 22nd of 2007, my grandparents came from Ohio and came and got me. The day they came and got me would be the only day my father had ever said he loved me. He was crying and saying that his baby is leaving him... and Katie hugged me and saying that I need to come to see them... as she was hugging me I had told her to eat shit.. my Father had come in for a hug and I just gave him a handshake and got into my grandparents car and came home to Ohio for the last time. My grandparents raised me the best they could by taking me to church. I had joined the church choir, I loved to sing. I became friends with everyone in the choir, of course they were all old. I joined the youth group at church so I can talk to people my own age, and there is where I met my first boyfriend, and my first love of my life. Andrew Spencer, I had the hugest crush on him from the moment I even saw him... but he was always talking to other girls, never knew I existed... Until, March 8th of 2008, my Great Grandmother's wedding... I was wearing a black and purple curvy, short skirted dress, and Andrew never stopped staring at me, as I never stopped staring at him. When the wedding had ended and everyone was shaking my hand telling me I looked beautiful and that I did a great job... it was his turn, he looked at me up and down and the whole time I couldn't take my eyes off of him... he than asked me to go see a movie with him that night, a movie that started 20 minutes from that moment, but I couldn't go due to the reception. So he than asked if we could go on that Saturday. March 14th, 2008 was my first date and my very first boyfriend. Andrew was the first person and the last person I gave my full heart too... we dated for 6 months before he broke up with me... but before he broke up with me, I had found out 3 weeks earlier that he had cheated on me with me with one of his band mates on a trip to Sectionals. September 14th of 2009 was the day I lost my first love... September 22nd of 2009, I met Leon due to one of my best friends at the time, Jasmine, was dating Leon's best friend, James. Jasmine and James had introduced me and Leon, and we talked for days straight, only time stopping was to go to school or sleep for school. It was the first time I ever told someone about my father and what he had done to me, I trusted Leon with everything... September 24th of 2009 was the day I got the second love of my life. October 8th, 2009 was the first time I ever saw Leon in person... I had invited him to my school's football homecoming game. It was raining like crazy, I showed up 2 hours too early due to being so nervous, I waited in the rain excited. Than he showed up, it was awkward at first, we just stood there talking to my friends. I got cold so he gave me his AC DC jacket and he held onto me.. it felt so right. September 24th, 2011 was the day when I began to fall out of love with Leon... We had gotten into a car wreck. We were coming home after our 2 year anniversary date, we had gone paintballing and saw Lion King in theatre. We were arguing about something, he was paying attention and we came up to a curve in the road and he didn't slow down... I saw it coming to I held onto the dashboard, we hit the ditch so hard, and swung the tail of the truck into a telephone pole. Windows were shattered and Leon had blood running down the side of his ear, I had a tiny cut on my knuckle... I began to freak out after I saw the blood on Leon, I was looking for my phone, I had landed ontop of it as the impact of the hit forced me into air and my phone ended up underneath me. I was screaming and crying, in my mind I just had to call my grandpa, for some reason I just thought he was going to kill me. The whole time Leon was trying to find out if I was okay. Leon called an ambulance when they got there, they asked if I could walk, I got out of the truck, and saw the truck torn apart, I went into shock and started to bawl my eyes out... the ambulance people put me on a stretcher and put me inside the ambulance, a couple minutes later they rolled Leon on, and the whole time he kept asking if I was okay, but all I could do was cry. I don't know what made me fall out of love with him, specially with him asking if I was okay, asking the ambulance people if I was okay, because I wouldn't answer... someone who cares about me that much, I shouldn't have become what I became after that. I became shallow and mean, but mainly because during out argument before the wreck I had found out that he was a over zealous jerk. Meaning, he only cares about his best friend Cody, or his games. His favorite game is League of Legends. He would wake up, and the first thing he would do would go to his laptop and play, flirt with his best friend, and just scream, laugh, and cuss out anyone on the game. I worked 3 shift, 72 more hours than him in a week, 6 days a week. 1 day off, and on that day off all I wanted to do was sleep, he didn't allow it due to obscene screaming at his mediocre game. When I wasn't sleeping on my days off, I figured he would want to be with me... right? No, his games. It was always his games before it would ever be me. A few quotes from him to me: “If you ever make me decide between you or the game, I will choose my games.” “Why would anyone want to marry a sorry piece of shit like you?” “Why would anyone buy you a ring?” We get into so many arguments, and I've broken up with him at least 3 times, and I always come back for some reason. I've lost everything that I had, because I kept choosing him. I had so many friends and so many people warned me about him. I kept telling myself they didn't know him... but than again, neither did I. He will always pretend he cares about me when the time is right, when he knows he is about to lose me. I am the one dumb enough to keep falling for it. Probably because I want the “real” feeling to be loved. Maybe I am just desperate to be cared for. I gave up everything for him, including my virginity... and he gave up nothing. To this day, May 20th, 2013, we are still together... Almost 4 years together. At this very moment I am currently in my bedroom typing, about to go to work, whilst he is on his laptop, playing League of Legends, and flirting away with Cody. Ignoring me, not giving any shits. Ignoring the fact that all I want is for him to realize I exist..... Oh, and the best part I forgot to mention about Leon... he cheated on me with 2 other girls, at the exact same time, and he won't admit it was cheating. The story: He had gone camping with his dad, when he was 18, which was the first 5 months that we were dating. His dad gave him some beer and Leon apparently became drunk. Two girls walked into his tent, pulled his pants down, and started sucking on his dick. He said that after he realized what was going on he slapped them... but in reality, if he can remember the story, he wasn't drunk, he knew what was happening, so therefore he cheated on me. I am still with him... that is how dumb I am. So, this is the story of my life, my life where I just dreamed of becoming something that I never put any effort into, I thought it would just be handed down to me. What I wanted to be, was a Writer, and an 3rd grade English teacher... I had it all planned out since I was 9 years of age. Than, I just fucked my life up, the day I found the “Love of my life”. If you say it isn't to late to go and do it, well it is, because what you don't know is I have 5 more years left to live. I have a tumor on my brain, in a place where they can't get unless I become a Vegetable, meaning I won't be able to move my body for the rest of my life, or I just die anyway from them poking at it. I got this tumor when I was 9 years old... the cause? My Father beating my head into walls, and hitting me in the head with shovels. That's my life story... My name is Kada Simms, and I absolutely hate my life, and myself.